


You say  that you love me, but you act like you don't

by thinasadime



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Mother, Angst, Child Abuse, Dysfunctional Family, Hearing Voices, Homophic slurs, Homophobia, M/M, Multiple Voices, Panic Attacks, Religious Guilt, Self-Harm, Self-Harm thoughts, Slow Burn, don't expect anything happy, mentions of cuts burns and starvation, more tags as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2018-09-28 05:57:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10075316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinasadime/pseuds/thinasadime
Summary: Her love might be toxic, but it's still love.And it's all the love you're ever getting so appreciate it, Josh.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any spelling or punctuation mistakes.

Living in a a broken home, and a mentally unstable mother, a sorry excuse of a father, with two awfully weird siblings was normal. Or so Josh thought.

 

**_If it wasn't for her, we would've had a normal, happy life._ **

When he sees his sister, Ashley, getting yelled at for as little as a broken glass, his head chants,

_she doesn't deserve us._

 

She never hears.

 

The next time he hears her voice raised was when he came home a bit late. Only _ten fucking minutes_. She screams and shouts about how she _swore she didn't raise him._

 _That's fine_ , he thinks. _As long as no one is physically hurt_.

That changes soon enough.

One evening, he's back from school and all he hears is Jordan's terrified screams and pleads to be let go. As an older brother, his heart twists and anger takes over his state of mind. Running over to the kitchen, where he had heard the sounds, he sees Jordan beaten fucking black and blue with blood running down his left cheek.

How she has the heart to do that, Josh didn't know. The thing is, he couldn't do anything. Because his mother is standing in front of Jordan with a small broken glass. _He must've broken it._ Jordan looks at Josh with these pleading and pained eyes, but he knows Josh can't do anything.

" ** _Don't you dare show me your face, do you hear me?_** " Josh hides behind the wall and waits for Jordan to show up. Careful as to not hurt his _ten year_ old brother any further, he takes his hand and both head to the bathroom to clean up this mess.

 ** _What kind of a life is this_**?

Years pass, and it's the same routine. Someone does something, she starts screaming, she beats Josh, then they go to sleep. Josh has done a good job of taking care of messes his siblings done, but when she knows there's one more plate with blue flowers on it Josh takes the blows and pain with open arms. As long as they're okay, everything will be fine. With time, she starts beating Josh with not only her fists and feet, but with knives and cigarette. The pain of the burns is insanely painful, and the knife is too sharp and goes too deep, but she's not touching any of them. It'll be okay.

It doesn't get any better. Only worse. Because if cigarette burns aren't bad enough, he's starving for _days_ on end. Sometimes, _only sometimes_ , he think of taking that same knife she used to cut his face, legs, stomach, arms open to just slice her throat. He might go to jail, and get whispered by family members, and maybe disowned by his dad, but at least she'd be gone.

 ** _At least she'd be gone_**.

On one particular night, he thinks,

 _What if I'm the one cutting me? Would that make her happy_?

Josh hears a deep and scratchy voice from behind his head, as if someone's standing behind him. But his head is rested on a pillow case. Panic sets in, but he focuses one what it says,

 

 ** _You're in pain, you're hurt, you're starving, and none of it is fair, is it? _** ___________________________________________________________________________•|i|• Ø i+! ].[


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> «try it. See if it makes her glad. Go, you know what to do.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blurryface has arrived and he's only staying from now on. 
> 
> |-/
> 
> I'm never one to update frequently.
> 
> This chapter is too rushed, I know, but I had to get something out before exams so I won't have to worry about it. 
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> Enjoy

 

**_You're in pain, you're hurt, you're starving, and none of it is fair, is it?_ **

___________.

For a sixteen year old boy, school being his favourite place was abnormal.

He would wake up every day at five, before anybody and sneak out.  
He knows exactly just how fucking selfish that is. Leaving his three little siblings under her mercy. Many times Josh had seen new cuts and bruises on their skin, and since he sticks with them every chance he got, he knew it was one of her morning rages that he wasn't there to witness.  
Even though he cries in the bathroom every time he caught a new mark on them, he just couldn't bring himself to face her in the morning. Josh couldn't get to school limping.

She always held the worst mood just as the sun rose.

  
School was safe. Just as his feet enter the gates, he immediately feels safe and secure and happy. There's nobody out to hurt him there. He's only got friends to laugh with, teachers to greet, and exam papers with straight As.

So when he makes his way to his school after a long two hour walk, and sees Brendon with that goofy smile of his, all the pain from the night before vanishes into nothing. When his group of friends is sitting at the lunch table, Pete cracking jokes about something M. Martin said, he can feel genuine happiness.

But eventually, the day will come to an end, and he has to get back home.

_________.

Josh's hesitant. He so doesn't want to go through the doorway. He'd rather do anything than see her face, but there's nothing to do.  
Carefully, he twists the knob and opens the door. Trying to make as less noise as possible, he slips through the small crack he made and closes the door behind him.

 **"Josh."** Her voice rings from the kitchen.

_Fuck._

"Yes?"

"Come here."

Josh makes his way as slow as possible in the kitchen. Eventually, he's on the doorstep, staring at a furious woman holding a broken plate.

Wonder who it was this time.

"Yes, mum?" He tried to make his voice as steady as possible, knowing she hated when he seemed scared.

A hand slides across his cheek his cheek with a loud smack and his face suddenly stings like hell.

**"Why the fuck did you break it?"**

Josh stays quiet, because whatever he'll say will go ignored, so why bother? He knows that gets on her nerves, but the sooner she gets her little session with him done, the sooner he could shove his head into his books then fall dead to the world.

His hand caresses his cheek lightly as his eyes gaze at his feet.

**"Answer me."**

_But there's not point, mum. I don't even know who broke it._

Josh feels her hand in his hair, she starts pulling with all her strength. He lets out a restrained sound of pain.

It's not like Josh physically couldn't break away, it's quite the opposite. He just couldn't. She drags him by his hair to his bedroom and throws him in. He lands on his lower back, and his wooden bed frame edge hits his shoulder.

**l**

She slams the door shut behind her.

"Not lunch, and not breakfast too, mum." Josh says aloud, slowly rubbing his head where her hand was.

_____________.

It's two in the morning when he wakes up with his stomach growling, light headed, and his limbs feel too light and too heavy at the same time.

He could go downstairs and have a piece of bread, but she always somehow finds out. I wouldn't be surprised if she counts the food before going to bed.

Josh decides that staying in bed is the best decision, saving whatever energy he has left for his two hour walk before school.

His eyes are open and staring mindlessly at the ceiling. It's then that he thinks,

_What if I'm the one cutting me? Would that make her happy?_

Josh hears a deep and scratchy voice from behind his head, as if someone's standing behind him.  
But his head is rested on a pillow case. Panic sets in, but he focuses one what it says,

_**You're in pain, you're hurt, you're starving, and none of it is fair, is it?** _

His chest tightens, and it's slightly harder to breathe.

_No, it isn't, but I can't do anything._

**_Try it. See if it makes her glad. Go, you know what to do._ **

And Josh does, he's thought about doing it before, but never had enough courage.

He's now sitting at the edge of his bed, eyes locked on the desk in front of him.

Before he knows it, his nail is digging at the small nail connecting the blade to the plastic and soon enough, it pops off and the blade is free.  
His right sleeve is up, and the blade is positioned on his wrist.

Eyes screwed shut, blade pressed down, he slashes once, twice, three times, then he gives up. Taking a a deep breath, Josh opens his eyes and sees a sight.

There's blood dripping onto his desk, there's pain pulsing through his right arm, and there's light panic in his chest. It's not like he's scared of this, not really, quite the opposite if anything really, but there's a fear that's a little too similar to the fear of people knowing about his depression and family shit. Fuck, Brendon would murder him.

He quickly gets the tissues and presses attempts to press on the wounds.  
Josh hisses lowly at the contact, but pressed down harder.

He looks at the clock and it's only three in the morning.

Josh sighs, and bandages his arm as best as he could. There's blood soaking them already, but honestly, he couldn't care less.

  
Perhaps he'll bleed out enough to die, and he'd be able to see her satisfied face from above as she discovers his body.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________•|i|•Øi+!].[

The next time he wakes up the clock is at seven and Josh almost screams. - _no, not because his sheets are stained crimson_ -

Not only did he miss his early forest walk to watch the sun rise, but he has to sit with them at the breakfast table.

No cause - _it's not like she'll let him eat anything_ \- just to insult him in front of everybody.  
Because all of her doing isn't enough, she has to let everyone know just how much of a failure I am.

"Joshua."

 _There we go_.

"I'll be down in a second!"

  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________•|i|•Øi+!].[

There are plates of bacon and eggs across the table in front of everybody.

Josh picks at his with a fork, moving things around and rearranging them back, feeling his mother's gaze boring on his head. Almost like an unsaid warning for him not to try and take the fork to his mouth.

Josh lets out a low sigh.

It was going to be a long day indeed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happened


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knew you were low, Josh dun, but enough to be a fag?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes.

  
_____

Jordan waves at him from under the table as he reaches the door when his mother isn't looking. Josh's smile is wide when he waves back

___

As he reaches the gates of his school, he can see Brendon anxiously looking right and left and then at his watch. Josh finds it so amusing and heartwarming. There's some or who cares about him so much he noticed he wasn't on time and was waiting to see him. As soon as his eyes catch the sight of Josh he breaks into a run and hugs Josh like his life depends on it, "what the fuck, you're , like, an hour late!" A chuckle finds it's way out of Josh.

_maybe the day won't be so bad after all_

"Dude, Abby made me look through the house over ten times because she lost her book!" Josh says, trying to make it as believable as possible. It works, because Brendon doesn't ask any further.

He never asks any further and Josh is glad for that.

They part when the bell rings, Josh finds his way to his first period. 

_biology I've got an exam, focus._

The test paper in front of him, and suddenly the world is forgotten. It's only him and the questions.

_____

The Bell rings and Josh hurries out of the classroom, violently skipping through pages of his biology book for every question, and when he finds he's got it all right is when he feels satisfied.  
The book's pages might be _a bit_ crumbled, but Josh ignores it.  
  
Hi teachers always chuckle when they see his books, crumbled but clean. It's kind of sad knowing his teachers probably love him more than his own parents.

Josh shakes his head and walks through the halls, saying "hi" to someone occasionally until he's with Brendon again.

"How'd you do?"

"Good!" Josh replies with a smile.

"well, that's cool but we've gotta go. They're waiting for us. "

And with that, they're walking to the cafeteria. It's not lunchtime yet, but they get a break after the first class. So Josh and his group decide to spend their time in there.

"Hey, sun!" Gerard waves when they're in sight, and Josh decides that he hates his last name.

Pete's cracking some jokes about their french teacher, Patrick ever so often commenting about something, the usual.

It's when Gerard playfully takes a strong hold of Josh's right arm and alarm bells ring in his head.

He flinched visibly, tugging his arm away , hugging it protectively to his chest.

_**fucking idiot** _

His breath gets caught in his throat and he cough, only raising the worry and suspicion in everyone's eyes.

Gerard keeps giving Pete glances, whole Brendon is staring right at Josh.

"Uh, are you okay?" Gerard asks gently.

 _ **yes**_.

“Yes."

"What was that?" He's taking a risk asking this.

 _ **nothing. You just surprised me**_.

  
"Noth-nothing-"

 

_**don't stutter.** _

  
"Nothing. You just surprised me."

They stay quiet for a couple of minutes until Pete decides that he's gotta be the brave one and end it.

"So as I was saying-"

Brendon doesn't take his eyes off Josh one second, Josh pretends he doesn't notice.  
Brendon doesn't leave Josh. They've got the same schedule (except for the first class) so there's no avoiding him.

Even when Josh says,” _dude, no I really gotta pee!_ " Brendon doesn't let him. Maybe he knows he's lying.

Josh eventually gives up and let's him be.

second period religion. Josh sighs, he like his religion class, he was pretty religious of his own but it was just...uninteresting.  
  
The Bell rings, and both head to their class.  
Brandon sits behind Josh, they changed his place because apparently “ _you talk too much with Josh. It's distracting._ " but that was okay, because now he can rest his chin on Josh's shoulder whispering things in his ear becomes easier.  
It starts as usual, Josh doodling aimlessly when someone knocks on the door.

The look of realisation crosses the teacher's face and she hurriedly runs to the door.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry dear. I completely forgot."  
She opens the door to reveal a boy with dark brown hair with a shy smile on his face.  
"It's okay."

He steps into the classroom, eyes fixated at the teacher, waiting for her to do something.

"Introduce yourself. "

"I'm Tyler, and I , um, like music?" It comes out almost like a question, the boy rubbing the back of his neck with a shy smile on his lips.

Josh thinks the boy looks off.

Off in a good way.  
In a way he shouldn't.

Any chance of avoiding him is gone when Tyler sits next to him, offering a small "hello" and Josh shakily says it back.

Josh ant help but think Tyler looks _pretty_.  
His brown hair, the way h's nose was shaped -Josh might be a little too obsessed with his nose, it's so fucking adorable-, his soft features, his smile so bright it could cure the world's problems, his-

_**fucking faggot.** _

  
Josh freezes,

_**don't you know what happens to fags like you? They get sent to hell to be tortured endlessly. Is that what you want? To not only be a disappointment to your mother, but to God? Is that what you want?** _

_God loves everybody, he wouldn't hate me, right?_

And even if god hated him, Josh will still believe in him and he will still go to church every Sunday if not more, he will still pray whenever things got rough, he will still try to please god In any other way he can. God wouldn't hate him, no, no way-

  
_**I knew you were low, Josh dun, but enough to be a fag?** _

  
"Dude, breathe!" He hears a loud shout, and he suddenly is aware he can't properly breathe.

Josh can't _breathe_

Panic sets in and he can feel himself start to shake violently, his arms are numb in place, unmoving, the heat draining from them leaving them so _cold,_ what is happening to him?

Soft hand cup his cheeks, lifting his face. His eyes are locked with Tyler's.

"In....out."

They do this for god knows how long, Josh taking small breaths and Tyler guiding him through it.

When he starts to feel he has control over himself, he notices the class is surrounding them, Brendon has his hands supportively on Josh's shoulders, concern covering his face.

_Maybe the day wasn't so good after all._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take these pills and it'll be okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I took this down a week or so ago because it just wasn't good enough. Its still not good enough, but whatever.

 

_________

Both Brendon and Tyler end up taking Josh to the nurse room, settling him down on a bed and letting him calm down. Josh doesn't make eye contact with both of them.

The nurse enters the room and announces, "Josh dun? We've called your mother and she'll be here in less than fifteen minutes." With that, she leaves as fast as she came.

Josh abruptly sits up, his chest begins to tighten again, feeling of somebody pressing on his windpipe too hard, unable to take a full breath in.

"Hey, hey, you're okay, breathe. You'll go home, you're safe." Tyler attempts to shush him, but little does he know what he said was only making things worse.

"N-no- brend- Bren, I can't- I can't!" Josh's hands frantically search for Brendon, in desperate attempt to get a sense of familiarity, of something nice before she _fucking kills him._

"I'm here, it's alright, peach, it's okay." Brendon wraps his arms around Josh's shoulder, letting him rest his head in his neck.

_Its going to be a disaster._

They stay like that for a while, Josh clutching at Brendon for dear life and Tyler rubbing uncertain comforting circles on his back.

He starts to feel tired, drowsy and dizzy and his eyes close. His grip starts to loosen on Brendon, not so much a death grip anymore. He starts melting in his arms, slowly falling asleep. As Josh's breathing starts evening out the door opens with a loud noise. Josh jumps, his eyes widening.

"Your mother is in the principle's office."

_______

Josh ends up being forcefully dragged by Brendon and Tyler - _honestly, this new kid is doing too much for him_ \- to the principal. Which would've been embarrassing if Josh wasn't so fucking _terrified_.

That's how he gets pushed into the room and the door closes behind him, Tyler and Brendon nowhere in sight. He sits in front of his mum, who has a fake mask of concern over her face.

"Oh, honey! You should've told me you were feeling unwell in the morning." She says, her voice sickeningly sweet.

Only Josh can hear the bite in her tone, the unsaid promises and threats.

When they walk out, both Tyler and Brendon and waiting patiently so when the door opens their eyes travel to the figures who stand facing them.

"I'm so thankful for you for taking care of my son. Thank you so much." Josh shivers at her words, his eyes locked at his feet.

If only her words were genuine.

Tyler is giving his mother weird looks, her forced smiles and words. He's even more suspicious when Josh flinches when she holds onto his arm and half drags him out of school.

He turns to Brendon and asks "what is Josh's mother like?"

__________

"What did I ever do to deserve a fuck up? God, what did I do to deserve a fucking good for nothing?!"

Josh tries to block out her shouts while slowly rubbing at his swollen cheek.

"Look at all people, parents, proud of their sons for being first in class, smart, and what did I get? A little shit that cries so much, his school had to call me. Do you know how much of a waste of time that was?"

Tears prick his eyes, he wished he could just go to his room and pretend he didn't live in this world.

With one last kick to his right leg he is sent to his room, without lunch and dinner.

That's fine, Josh doesn't like food anyway.

He _doesn't_.

He goes to the bathroom, sees every bruise and scar. Ugly scabs covering his left inner arms, and Josh wishes he could just scratch them off.   
His cheek and leg are turning lovely shades of yellows and greens and purples. Which is absolutely fucking great. He has to find more lies and excuses as to why his face looks like it's going to melt off.

Just fucking _great_.

Josh is back to his room, he settles onto the bed and lays out his books and notebooks before him.

When he's finished with home work he doesn't even have, he notices the clock on 19:00.

Josh contemplates texting Brendon and letting him know he's " _okay_ " or just put his headphones on until he falls asleep.

Josh chooses to fall asleep.

______

"She's a very nice woman, she's like the God of cooking honestly, her cookies are insane."

Tyler pulls a face, "she didn't seem very nice with the way she grabbed him."

A confused expression falls on Brendon, "she's always been like this?"

"Oh, okay. Have a nice day, then."

With that, Tyler is off.

She didn't seem nice, and that fact that Josh's - _as he assumes_ \- best friend doesn't notice that is kind of.. Shocking.

But Tyler knows nothing, she could be nice and he's just exaggerating.

why is he so suddenly curious about the boy that had a panic attack in his class? 

_____

It doesn't exactly work the greatest, considering he wakes up almost every thirty minutes because of nightmares, or just flinches awake.

When it hits two in the morning, repeatedly waking up every half an hour, Josh has had it.   
He gets up, frustrated and beyond tired.

He paces around the room, back and forth, tries to keep himself busy from sleep.

When it hit three, he almost starts screaming. sleep is all he wants, is that too much to fucking ask for? 

_Just let me have some fucking sleep, goddammit._

_**Take some sleeping pills.** _

The voice makes Josh straighten up, a bit surprised.

_Where would I fine them?_

_**Bathroom, the cupboard on the left.** _

As quietly as possible, Josh ventures through the house to the bathroom.

Eventually, the bottle of pills is in his hand.

 

_**Take these pills and it'll be okay.** _

Swallowing two pills, he lays on his bed and closes his eyes, ready for sleep to take over.

Except it doesn't.

Josh takes another two, and shoves the bottle in his drawer. Away from his reach. when he finally starts to slip into unconsciousness, he's never thanked his fucked up head more than now. 

___

 

_"Josh! Do you want to help me bake?" His mother yells from the kitchen, her voice echoing through the empty house._

_"Yes, please!" Josh gets up from his place on the couch, and runs to where she is._

_She smiles, getting a chair from Josh to stand on to be on the same level as the counter. She hands him a whisk, "beat this egg for me?"_

_"Sure!" He takes the whisk from her, dipping it into the bowl, tongue out in concentration which makes her chuckle._

_Six year old Josh absolutely loved his time with his mother. She so nice, she had the best cookies in the neighbourhood, she would always let him sit on her lap, hug him and kiss him and just be affectionate. Josh loved the attention she gave him._

_Once he's deemed it whisked enough, he hands it back to his mum. She showers him in praise, "good job, Josh, one day you'll be better than me."_

_Josh loves her so so much, he never wants her to leave him. He wants to grow up and be able to help his mother in more ways than one, he wants her to be the happiest woman to ever exist._

_"Now we wait for the cookies to bake."_

_They wash the dishes together, sit around the kitchen rambling about all sorts of things._

_"I love you, mom."_

_A soft smile finds its okay on her face._

_"I love you too, honey."_

____

Josh wakes up crying.

With silent tears streaming down his face he looks at his clock.

It's almost eleven in the morning.

That's fine, he wasn't going to school anyway. He had other plans.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are you doing, Josh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more on with the religious themes.  
> I've warned you.
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes.

 

Brendon is anxiously waiting for Josh at the gates. Josh never misses a day of school, so when the bell rings and there's still no trace of him, Brendon knows something is terribly off.

He noticed how Josh was very quiet at times, zoned out even. And he specifically didn't miss the strained look in his eyes when he thought no one was looking, the bags tattooed under his eyes.

But school seemed to cheer him up, he looked relieved the moment he saw Brendon, how his face lit up when one of them got nice grades - _which is the only reason why Brendon even bothers with school and studying_ \- and the way he almost cries whenever Brendon gets anything below 85%.

But recently, it's something completely different.

Josh looks _depressed_.

He looks thin, tired, sad, resembling what Brendon would describe as a fucking **skeleton**. his small laughs look fake. He's losing weight each second. He even flinched when Gerard touched his arm, and Brendon knows exactly what that means, but he prays and prays it's not.

What could be so horribly wrong that made Josh miss sch-

"Hey, um, Brendon? Have you seen Josh?" There's a light tap on his shoulder that makes him snap out of his thoughts, looking back at whoever asked him.

Tyler.

"U-uh, not really, I don't th-think he'll come today," he says, fast and almost slurred. Without Josh there to make him feel confident and secure, his anxiety hits like a ton of bricks, and saying those words out loud somehow made the heavy feeling of knots in his stomach ten times worse.

Tyler's face drops slightly in disappointment,  
"oh, okay. Thanks."  
With that, he sees the boy turn his head back and walk away.  
_________

Brendon doesn't even attempt to concentrate on whatever his teacher is saying, his mind is too busy racing and jumping into conclusions, worrying so much he's almost sure if he doesn't stop, he'll most likely trigger an anxiety attack.

Lunch is silent. With only Gerard whispering things to Pete, otherwise completely silent.

Brendon spends it with his head in his hands, elbows propped on the table, willing his hands to stop shaking so vigorously.

__________

Josh starts pacing around his room, back and forth with his headphones on, trying to let music distract him from the painful sting in his chest, from the tears that are still threatening to spill.

From the blood trickling down his arm, and the voice inside his head.

_**What are you doing, Josh, what are you doing? What are you doing, what are you doing-** _

It repeats and repeats. Josh doesn't fucking know what he's doing.

What Josh is doing, is he's cutting his arm up, and staining everything he comes in contact with, with blood.

  
_I have to to clean it up, somehow._

  
That's what he's doing.

From his elbow to his wrist, all scattered with bleeding, thin lines. The pain is almost comparable to that in his chest.

 _I can't keep doing this, I can't do this for so long_.

 ** _If you're hurting so goddamn much, just die_**?

It's said in such a simple way, as if the act of killing himself didn't have its consequences.

"I'll go to  hell, I'm not a fucking _sinner_!"

**_But you also are gay and self harm. Both of these are sins, do you really think you'd go to heaven, you fag ?_ **

A heavy sigh leaves Josh,  
"I'm not gay."

 ** _You are. We both know how you think of that boy Tyler_**.

"Just because I though a boy looked fucking cute, doesn't mean I want anything to do with him."

Maybe Josh was lying a little bit.

Over come with a wave of exhaustion, Josh spends the remaining of the day in his bed, not taking his headphones off or his eyes off the ceiling.

At one point, the blood stops and his arm starts to feel like plastic. He should probably wash it off, but all energy has been drained of him.

All that Josh does is lock his door in case anyone wanted to get in. The last thing he needs is someone seeing him like this, it'll be the end of him.  His mom probably wouldn't even attempt to discuss it, she'll just throw him in a facility and leave and never come back.   
He goes back to his bed, hides under his blankets and let's his arm sting all it wants.

The next day he'll have to go to school and face all the questions on why he didn't come the previous day. As if the rumours of him having a panic attack wasn't enough, now he'll turn up with a pale face and purple under eye bags.

 ** _It'll only get worse_**. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In exactly a week, my final exams will start. I've had this chapter for quite the while, but I had no time to attempt to edit it or upload it. 
> 
> It sucks, I know, but that's all I can do for now. When the exams finish, I'll have a ton more time and my writing will get slightly better since all four chapters except the first were extremely rushed.  
> I don't like how the story is written, it's very rushed and just shit. I'll probably edit all the chapters once I'm free of school. 
> 
> Anyway, have a nice day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look at him, Josh, look what you did to him. He looks terrified you'll disappear any moment, are you proud of that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exams finally over, God bless. Now I have too much time on my hands. 
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
>  
> 
> |-/

Look what you've done Josh,look what you've done to him. He looks terrified you'll disappear any second, are you proud of that?

Josh opens his eyes to his phone's alarm ringing in his ears, outside his window is jet black.

_3:00_

Josh should wake up now because he has to wash the sheets and get the fuck out of here before the sun rises, but getting up was a challenge.  
His head was pounding and his arm pulsing with pain.

How did he come to this?

Josh was once a boy with a bright future, all As and smiles and laughs. Now Josh wouldn't even be surprised if he was thrown into drugs, at this point.  
Because he doesn't have the passion and fire inside him anymore, it's replaced by pain and hurt and longing.

Longing for the woman that now starves him, to give him a ounce of affection she used to give him. And ounce of care, a bit of appreciation, a bit of something.  
He wants his dad to sit down with him and watch shows together, to fall asleep on his shoulder and have him tuck Josh in his bed like he used to, he wants to feel like a kid again.

He wants to cook with his mom, he wants to joke with her, he wants to tell her what happens in school with him, how his day was, instead of listening to the ugly sound of a nonexistent voice, existing only in his head.  
He wants his dad to get him his favourite ice cream in the way back from work, he wants him to play basketball with him again, he wants to have a father-son relationship like normal people do, he wants to sit down in his father's room and let him teach him about guitars, teach him how to play and tell him about the history of it.

Josh wants his dad to tell him stories of the past, of the days in college and how much fun he had, about the friends he had, about the stupid fucking shit they've done.  
Anything, fucking anything.

Josh wants something, anything from them.  
But Josh knows no matter what they do now, it won't fill the hole they've made in his chest.  
The way he feels like he's a fragile piece of glass, breaking with each of her hits and each of his father's sad glances at him being bruised and hurt.  
If he cares, why won't he do anything?  
Why the fuck was he such a coward? He has a decent fucking job, he could easily divorce her and they can move into a new house.

Josh is confident he can break his dad's shell and he'll be like he once was, because if it wasn't for Josh then at least for his siblings.  
They're too young and all they've seen was pain and neglect. They deserve more, deserve the love they've never got, and he know that without a mother's love they won't be complete, but half is better than nothing, right?

Then when they're happy, Josh can finally take the easy way out.  
Who was he kidding, Josh wasn't made to live in this world. So fragile and weak, he won't last a month.  
And if he did, got himself an apartment, a good job that he's able to live with, what's next?  
Josh surely wasn't going to find someone to settle with, he isn't made for love. He's experienced it so briefly, he doesn't think he can understand it at this point. He was going to be alone, for his thoughts to take control of him, he'll be living feeling empty and with a voice that only wants to destroy him.

What's the point? Josh's heard people say, "it gets better, it's worth it," but what if he didn't have anything to lose?  
No friends to worry about hurting, not a someone he might break, and certainly not a family that'll cry over him.  
Now, Josh understands that suicide is sin, but everything he's doing is sin.  
He thinks he might have something for the new kid, Tyler, and that's enough for him to go straight to hell, right?  
He also cuts, which is also sin, everything he's doing is a _fucking sin, so why not just get to hell faster?_  
But if he was honest, loving and being loved by someone sounded nice.  
Maybe then he'd know what a normal, stable life was like.

A loud Sound of alarm jerks him back into reality, Josh zoned out for good 30 minutes, and now he has approximately twenty minutes to get the sheets in the washing machine and take a quick shower to remove all the dry, crusty, brown blood from his arms.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________•|i|•Øi+!].[

Clothes on, sheets washed, blood gone, backpack on, he heads to the front door. The cold is biting at his exposed face, in the end it's only 4:10 and the weather is at its coldest around that time of morning.  
The sun has yet to come up, so Josh doesn't have to worry about people as the streets are empty and lifeless.  
Josh has no direction, he just walks around. His headphones on with his hands and phone tucked into his hoodie.  
The music is loud, loud enough to probably be heard by anyone passing by and it hurts his ears.

Somehow, some way, he found his way into the bridge. It's nice and dark and lonely, leaving Josh with his thoughts.

He walks towards towards it, getting close to the ledge and letting his hands hold it, eyes fixated on the black water below,

 _What would happen if I just jump right now? Without thinking, and just do it_?

He swings his left leg over the edge, tightening his grip so he doesn't slip, then swings the other leg so he can sit , trying to balance his feet on the small edge of the pavement.

 ** _  
You can jump, no ones stopping you_**.

  
Josh sits there, wanting to jump, but not planning on jumping. He can't now, maybe once he finishes school? He hasn't even written a goddamn suicide note. But it also sounds nice. Nice to go without anyone knowing a reason, without a goodbye.  
The sooner he goes, the less Brendon has to take of his time to forget about him. Speaking of Brendon, he's gonna miss him. He's probably the only person that actually gave a damn about him-

"Come down, please," says a soft voice from behind Josh, and if Josh's grip wasn't so right he probably would've fell off just from the shock.

Carefully, Josh turns his head to glance behind his shoulder.

"Tyler? What ar-"  
"Come down, and then we'll talk."

Hesitantly, Josh let's his left leg slide over to the other side of the ledge, landing it on the ground before doing the same with the other.  
Now, face to face with a horrified looking Tyler Joseph, Josh is at a loss of words.

"First off, why the fuck are you here at five am?" Josh asks, sounding genuinely concerned and confused. Shouldn't the boy be asleep, he's got to go to school In less than three hours.

"First off, why the fuck were you on the bridge at five am, Joshua?" Tyler asks, using the same tone Josh used.  
It must've looked very, _very_ bad. Someone sitting on the edge of the bridge, staring below and dangling his legs. If Josh saw someone like that, he would for sure think they were going to jump off.

"Shit, okay, I wasn't going to jump off, just to be clear," he says hurriedly, but he knows Tyler wasn't going to believe him that easily.

 ** _Why the fuck do you care if he thinks you're suicidal or not?_**  
_Because he'd go around telling everyone he saw Josh dun on the bridge, looking ready to end his life. Everyone would think I'm some type of an attention seeking teenager or some bullshit! I don't want that_ -

"Are you sure? Because if looked like you had other intentions,"

"Sorry, yeah, um, what are you doing here anyway?" Josh, now desperate to change the subject, asks.

"Couldn't sleep," he states simply, as if it happens so often it doesn't bother him anymore.  
Josh wants to ask why, but then again, it's really not his business. Before he can stop it, he blurts out, "do you wanna go around the forest?"  
Because neither of them are going home, might as well try to kill some time.  
At that, Tyler's face brightens slightly, "sure."

Josh learns a lot about Tyler on their three hour journey before school, and he also notices they have a lot in common.  
How he played piano and uke, how he writes poetry, how he played basketball for as long as he could remember.

"That's cool, I like basketball." Tyler notices the small sad tinge to his words, but he lets it slide. He just saw the boy about to commit suicide, he did t want to open up sensitive topics.

"Brendon, your friend, was freaking out yesterday." Josh instantly feels guilty, _how could I do this to Brendon_?

"Oh god, why? Was he okay?"

"I dunno why, he was really tense. Maybe you should ask him later today."  
Josh nods and hangs his head low.

They continue walking around, holding up a small conversation every now and then before Josh's phone rings with the alarm sound, signalling the time has come to go to school.

______

"Don't tell anyone about what happened on the bridge."

"Okay."

______

"Everything's okay, calm down, Bren."  
There's Brendon in his arms, clutching at his shirt like his life depended on it, shaking like he was freezing cold.

"I'm okay Brendon, it's okay," Josh says, in a desperate attempt to calm the boy in his arms. It was all his fault, all this was his doing, he's the worst friend ever.  
Brendon holds tighter onto him, pressing on Josh's bruises and wounds,

"Don't do that again, or so god help me, Joshua William Dun."

Brendon refuses to let go of him, to the point of holding his hand during class, hugging his arm and letting his head land on Josh's shoulder.  
They get weird glances from students, and all Brendon does is say, "fuck you" and flip them the bird while Josh giggles lightly.  
Josh doesn't mind, in fact, it's all the affection he gets, and he loves it, but he's worried. Brendon usually is very loud and bubbly, now he's quiet and scared and hides behind Josh whenever he got the opportunity.

Look what you've done Josh, look what you've done to him. He looks terrified you'll disappear any second. Are you proud of that?

A long sigh escapes him, guilt eating at his insides. Brendon truly cared about him, and this is how Josh repays him. By scaring the living Fuck out of him.

With his arm around Brendon's neck, the other caressing his face, his cheek resting on the top of his hair, and Brendon's arms around his back, he pulls back slightly to say, knowing he can cheer Brendon up in few simple words, "hey Brendon, how about we go get ice cream after school and hang out? You know, I missed you."

A smile spreads across his face as Brendon's face brightens like a little kid in a candy store.  
It's then that Josh realises how much it doesn't suit him to be sad.

"Please!"

_______

"Brendon, please, I love you too, but two can't sit in one chair!" Josh pleads, trying to get Brendon off of him, but to no avail.

"Then let me sit on you!"

"What, no!"

"Are you calling me fat?!" Brendon pulls an expression, pretending to be hurt and offended.  
Laughter erupts from across the table.

"How about you hold hands until lunch is over?" Patrick Suggests, sounding too amused with the scene.

Josh looked at Brendon for approval, getting a sigh and roll of eyes before his arm is freed out of Brendon's death grip and feels a soft hand clasping around his, fingers intertwining in get hold.  
Josh sneaks a look around the lunch room, eyes stopping on a certain Tyler, eyes locking together for a few seconds.  
His eyes go from Josh's to Brendon and the back to Josh, a smile forming on his lips looking at the two boys before he finds his way out of the cafeteria.

That, brings a small grin to Josh, possibly the most genuine one he's had in a while.

_____

Ice creams in hand, jokes thrown around to lighten the mood, but Josh can feel Brendon had too many questions he wants to ask but he's holding back.

The jokes die, silence falls upon them, the air growing tense.

"What really happened yesterday?" Brendon asks, eyes not meeting Josh's. Probably scared of the outcome, and Josh decides lying is the only way he's getting out of his without Brendon crying.

"Just felt bad after, um, you know, what happened.."  
It wasn't a complete lie, there's just a lot more to the story than feeling bad about a panic attack.

"Stop lying, Josh, I'm not _that_ stupid," Brendon mumbles, not looking away from his ice cream. Of course Brendon caught him lying, they've been friends for what, eight years? Nine? He knew him more than Josh knew himself.

"I've noticed it, you know. You're so fucking skinny it's becoming scary, you're losing weight by the second, I can feel your ribs when I hug you. And it's scary, it scares me so much, and I don't know what caused this. You look like a zombie, when's the last you've slept? It's the spring, amazing weather and here you are, wearing hoodies. I've seen it, Josh, don't think just because I kept a blind eye to it, I haven't noticed it. I have, and I want to help. No, I'm going to help whether you like it or not, because if this keeps going, I don't think you'll be here in a couple of years. What's going on? Please, talk to me!"

His voice cracks in the beginning, sounding scared and nervous, but it grows more angry and loud.

What, was Josh supposed to open up now and sob on his friend's shoulder and the world would magically be okay?  
It's not that Josh doesn't trust Brendon, bloody hell he trusts him with his fucking life. Josh just doesn't want Brendon to think he's insane.  
In all reality, if he told Brendon there's a voice inside his head telling him life isn't worth it, and that his mother will most likely either end up killing him or one of his siblings, what is Brendon supposed to think? He'll be shocked and surprised, then what? He'll stop talking to Josh because he's fucking insane, he's a crazy suicidal head case.

"My mom's abusive," Josh eventually ends up saying, after probably a few minutes of silence. Building up courage to look at Brendon, he sees his eyes are wide with shock. But before he says anything, Josh continues.

"She's not that nice lady that gives out cookies to the neighbourhood on Sundays anymore, she changed. I don't know why.  
I don't mean abusive in the sense of pushing me around or slapping me once or twice. When I say she's abusive, I mean she held a knife to my throat and sliced three cuts I had to sneak to the hospital for them to be stitched. She uses her cigarettes to burn me, and they leave awful scars. That's why in an amazing weather I can't wear anything other than hoodies. To hide ugly scars and bruises from her kicks and punches. She starves me, that's why I'm skinny," Josh's eyes turn to his ice cream that's untouched,  
"I'd like to eat, don't get me wrong, I just can't find the time between being beaten the shit out of and studying until I fall asleep."  
He finishes with a voice cracking every here and there, and averts his eyes form the ice cream to Brendon.

  
_Josh doesn't mention anything of **him** and the fact that he cuts, he doesn't want it to be even worse._

  
He expected him shocked and surprised, but full on hiding his face in his hands sobbing loudly? Not really.  
Josh gathers Brendon in his arms, feeling like shit for making him go through that.  
"It's okay, don't cry, it's all alright," he soothes desperately, hands rubbings Brendon's back and holding him close.  
He holds onto Josh, their embrace soft, Brendon now painfully aware of the pain under Josh's clothes and tries to keep a light grip on him.  
"You should've t-told me," he hiccups against Josh's shoulder. "Maybe I should've," he shrugs resting his head on Brendon's.  
"But now you know, and I'll probably crash at your place at ungodly times in the morning," Josh attempts for it to sound humorous, but it comes out empty and heavy. Brendon sniffles pathetically, because even when Josh is so broken and hurt, he still attempts to make jokes and lighten everything up.

Josh feels less alone now, he doesn't have to pretend he's okay around everyone now. He has someone to turn up to when things got out of control.

Brendon walks Josh to his house, Josh having to convince Brendon to let go of him once they reach his block, telling him that if anyone saw them they'd think they're together, and his mom would most likely kill him on the spot without a second thought.

"Please, be careful Josh,"  
"Will do, babe."

Brendon smiles at the pet name.

__________

The front door is closed, Josh makes his way upstairs to his room.

"Josh, where have you been?"

He stops dead in his tracks, face paling. Josh wasn't having a death wish, he walks to the living room where she sits on the couch with a bottle of gin.

"I was, um, in the park with a friend, Brendon, remember him?" His voice trembling, shaking with the fear of saying something wrong.

"Why were you late?" She's oddly calm, Josh doesn't like it.

"I got caught up in talking, it won't happen again I promise."

"How's Brendon doing?"

A smile creeps on his face at how soft her voice became saying Brendon's name, "he's doing great."

She nods and turns her head back to the tv, Josh takes it as an opportunity to flee to his room.

He flops on his bed with a stupid big smile on his lips, maybe his mom won't _always_ be a jerk.

______

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To say I absolutely have no idea what to do with this fic is a major understatement. Honestly, I'm having the worst writers block with this one. I probably should've planned it out before publishing it, but oh well.  
> So um, leave a comment if you enjoyed I guess?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She heard, Josh. She heard, she heard, she heard, she heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm enjoying this too much.   
> Mentions of the F word, so beware.   
> Sorry for any mistakes.  
> |-/

 

9:30

Small hands are shaking him awake, "Josh, wake up! It's dinner time," he groans upon hearing Jordan say. Why would he go down if he's not eating anything?   
"I don't eat dinner, kid," he says sleepily, eyes closing again as he snuggles his blankets closer to his body, relishing their warmth.

"Mum said you need to come down, though."

Josh's eyes fly open and he sits up as fast as he can because _holy fuck_ she's having a good day enough to let him eat. _Holy fucking shit._  
"Are you serious?" Disbelief lacing his words and a grin on his face he says, and Jordan pats his back, "yup, now wash your face and look presentable. She's been acting really nice all day, she even made spaghetti meatballs, talking about how it was your favourite. Take advantage of it before it ends," with that, Jordan walks out of his room.

When was it that Josh ate last? Three days? Probably more, and just thinking about food made his stomach hurt. From disgust or hunger, he didn't know.   
Either way, he's not wasting the opportunity.   
Getting up, he changes his school clothes, making a mental note to wash them once dinner ends, and washes the sleep from his face.   
Josh takes small, careful steps down the stairs and peeking into the kitchen. They're all seated and chatting lightly, not eating probably because they were waiting for Josh.

It sends a _warm_ feeling through him.

Taking a deep breath, he walks in and sits on his chair beside Jordan. Chats between his parents resume. There's a plate in front of him, filled with what he likes. Hesitant fingers reach for the fork on the side, swirling around in the plate to gather as much as it can, now was the time he should be putting it in his mouth. Josh looks over around the table, they're eating normally. Jordan is chatting with the girls, one of them laughing every now or then. His parents are talking, a smile crosses their faces occasionally. He sneaks a glance at his mother, looking for some type approval. Her eyes dart to his, then at his fork that's frozen halfway to his mouth, and she simply nods her head.   
That was all Josh needed before the fork found its way to his mouth.   
Right, now Josh was going to put the fork in, slide it back and letting the food rest on his tongue.that was a good plan. It felt wrong for a second before he pushed himself to chew it, Manuvering it from side to side slowly, then swallowing it. The problem was, it came up as soon as swallowed it.   
Josh had to put a hand on his mouth so he doesn't puke it on the dinner table. He closes his eyes, breathing hard from his nose before trying to swallow it again.   
Which felt fucking _disgusting_ , by the way, but he wasn't going to excuse himself to the bathroom. God knows she probably thought it tasted so bad he had to throw it up. It tasted really good, in fact, the best he's had in months. But it felt as if his stomach has shrunk and refused food.   
The second time he swallowed it, it stayed in his stomach, Josh thanks god for that. He can feel her gaze burning the side of his head. Josh let's his hand slip from his mouth, sucking in air as if it would help keeping the spaghetti down. His eyes move to his mother's, "is it bad?"   
Josh panics for a second, would she believe him if he said no? Because honestly, it wasn't, but she wouldn't believe him.   
"N-no, it's good," he watches as she turns over to her husband, not glancing again.   
Josh turns back to his plate, wondering how the Fuck was he supposed to finish the whole bowl. But he was going to, whether he liked it or not, because it's probably the only thing he was going to have for the next few days.   
The fork swirling around, catching the spaghetti in its spaces. Josh was going to do the same, put it in his mouth, chew it slowly from side to side then swallow it. He can feel his siblings' worried looks, but he can tell they were trying to enjoy the fact that he was with them for once.   
"Are you, um, are you okay?" Jordan asks, being the closest to him. Josh ducks his head so Jordan can whisper in his ear. Josh didn't know it was this obvious. "Yeah, don't worry."   
Now Josh was back to his war with the food.   
With every bite, he can feel it stuck in his throat waiting for the moment the dinner is over so it can come up, and it almost brings tears to his eyes.   
Josh gave up, drinking gulps of water with every bite, knowing that the more liquid there is the easier it came up. He didn't want to scratch his throat, even though it's only strings of flour.   
At this point, Josh's hand never left its place covering his mouth after every bite, knowing that he had no other choice.  
Somehow, some way, Josh finishes first before anybody. The sick feeling is getting overwhelming, it makes Josh heave lightly. He shouldn't have ate so much on his first time since days.   
"You can have more if you're still hungry," her voice takes him out of his thoughts, and the idea of more food makes him gag.   
"N-no, thank y-you," Josh says, keeping his voice as low as possible as to keep himself from throwing up.   
"Excuse m-me," without looking at her, he rises from his seat with his plate and puts it in the sink then hurrying out from the kitchen. If Josh doesn't reach the bathroom in three seconds, he will fucking puke all over the goddamn stairs. He rushes over to the bathroom, almost tripping over his own feet.   
In his frenzy, Josh makes sure to lock the door as he rushes to the toilet. And fuck if it didn't feel good to get it all out of his stomach. But really, he also felt Incredibly bad. It was his first proper meal like a family in what felt like years.   
He gets up to the sink, desperate to wash out the disgusting taste of bile. Josh knew better than to brush his teeth.   
Josh wanted his teeth, thank you.   
Now, he was still locked in the bathroom, his back to the door he closes his eyes.

This was getting serious.

If his body started rejecting food, then he's gone too far. But is it far enough for him to die? He didn't know. But what he knew for sure was that he was going to start eating. And if it didn't work then he'd beg Brendon to get him to the hospital. At least then his mother would know just what she was doing to him. and maybe she called him to have dinner because she's seen he's becoming scarily thin, and maybe just because she had a good mood.   
Josh let's out a breath, rising to his feet and unlocking the door, heading straight for his room.   
He was exhausted, ready to fall asleep again and forget all about what happened barely thirty minutes ago.   
________

  
He walks up at around 2:30 with the feeling of his throat dry as a desert, burning lightly. Josh decides he needs a glass of water and his homework to be complete in less than an hour, ignoring the grumbling his stomach keeps making.   
________

His homework finished to the side, it's 3:15. Josh decides to lay in his bed for fifteen minutes before attempting to go out, as his stomach was doing fucking backflips, that much it hurt. He really shouldn't have eaten anything.   
Josh pushes forces himself to ignore it and get up, change, make his backpack, and head out the door. He makes sure to wear a long sleeve under his hoodie, _just in case_ the pain was from cold, even though he knew for certain it wasn't.   
Walking through the dead streets of Columbus, Josh wanders around wherever his weak legs would get him.   
He caught a glimpse of the bridge from the side of eye, he changes his path and walks towards it. Because he's not going to jump off, even if he wanted to he didn't have the energy to even lift his legs from the ground to the edge. Josh walks over and rests his elbow on the ledge, stuffing his head in his hands and letting the sound of wind fill his ears. Josh doesn't know how long he stays like that, but he's almost falling asleep standing up.  
"Are you really not trying to kill yourself?" Josh snaps his head from his hands at the direction of the words said.  
Josh groans, the surprise washing away from his face.   
"I'm not, and if I did, you always keep popping up to ruin it," he says, slight hint of annoyance lacing his words. He doesn't know why, he didn't exactly _mind_ Tyler, but he keeps appearing out of thin air.   
"Maybe you should give up trying to die then," Tyler says, shrugging. Josh wants to know how the sixteen year old's mind works. His words so silky smooth, as if he's already prepared them before, saying what's on his mind so bluntly, Josh liked that.  
"Let's walk around the forest until we go to school." And so, they do. Josh thinks this might be a routine now.   
They end up not talking, only walking next to each other. It was enough.   
____

  
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

 

"Okay, thank you."

  
He gets a hum in response.   
_____

"You look like you've walked hell and back, what's wrong?" Brendon whispers during the first class, seeing as Josh keeps zoning out or falling half asleep. Josh was certain if he didn't fall asleep, he will faint in one of the classes.   
"Not feeling well, Bren," he whispers back, keeping a hand on his stomach to warm it up, even though it does nothing, Josh tries to convince himself that it does.   
"Whys that?" He eyes him carefully, concern washing his features, Josh contemplates telling the truth. If he told Brendon, then he's going to be dragged to the hospital whether he liked it or not, and it wasn't worth it. He wasn't in danger just yet, right?   
"My stomach's not feeling well, that's all. It's gonna stop in a bit, so stop worrying before I punch that look off your face," Brendon completely ignores his words and asks, "when's the last time you ate anything?"   
See, now that was a tricky question. He ate yesterday, it just didn't stay in. Before that maybe he ate an apple he was able to sneak from the fridge. That was three days ago. He decides staying silent is the best solution.   
"You're coming to my house after school to have a proper meal," he says, in a tone that Josh knew Brendon was going to get his way no matter what it took.   
"Brendon, I really can't," Josh says, attempting to get I self out of the shit he got himself into.  
He didn't want to puke at his best friend's house, Jesus Christ.  
"I don't care if I have to go to your house and personally tell your mother to stay at my house."   
Josh sighs, "whatever you say, buddy."  
_____

  
Standing in the bathroom with Brendon at his side, the phone rings in his ears waiting for his dad to pick up.  
"Yes?"   
"U-um, I was wondering if I could stay at Brendon's until nine? I have a very important project-"   
"Yeah sure, I'll tell your mother."   
The line goes dead.   
Josh looks at Brendon with a smile, "I didn't die this time, god's on my side."   
_____

  
Lunch. Lunch was going to be a disaster, especially after Brendon knew about his lack of food. He's not stupid enough to force Josh to eat what a normal person would, but he's definitely not letting him go away with nothing.   
Seated at the table, he notices everyone starting to eat whatever's in front of them and he ducks his head to pretend he's playing on his phone. Josh feels Brendon nudging his shoulder. In confusion, he lifts his head up and turns his head to the side, only to be greeted with the sight of a pizza slice. Wide eyes move from the food to Brendon's in a _what the fuck_ stare.   
"Go on, a little bite it doesn't have to be all of it."   
The table falls silent, Frank's laughs with Gerard come to a stop and he can feel the stares are pointed at him.   
He moves forward towards the slice, biting as little as he could.   
Gaging slightly, he swallows it with much less problem than the previous night. Probably because he was so focused on not throwing up on Gerard that was sitting exactly the opposite in him.   
Brendon pats him on the back, "good job, Joshua."   
If a tiny piece of pizza made him feel this exhausted, then God have mercy on his soul at dinner.   
Josh takes comfort of Brendon's hand locked with his, ignoring the questioning stares they were getting.

  
But what he doesn't notice is Tyler sneaking glances at him from the other side of the cafeteria.   
______

  
Turns out, Brendon was actually a fantastic cook. With both his parents not coming home before eight, Josh was relatively safe as Brendon has assured him. "I hope you know I'm not even gonna eat half of this," Josh says, mentioning to the six plates of different types of rice and broth and weird stuff he doesn't even recognise. "It's fine, just put something in your mouth." And so Josh does. The weird thing is, Josh ends up eating almost _everything_. Without even the _urge_ to throw up, or even gag. As Josh devours plate after plate, stopping only when his stomach actually felt it was going to explode.  
Brendon is watching with huge eyes at his friend, eating and eating, not paying attention to anything other than it.   
"Hey, you want more? I'm more than happy to cook anything you like," Brendon says with the softest tone he could muster, seeing as Josh started slowing down. "Actually, if I eat anything more I might blow up."   
They laugh, "alright then. We have five more hours before you have to go home, make up your mind. Movies, or video games?"   
"Movies, so I can romantically fall asleep with my head on your lap," Josh says, feeling himself drifting to sleep sitting up on the chair.  
"Movies it is then, _princess_."   
"Stop calling me that!"   
_______

  
Josh does end up falling asleep on Brendon at around 6:00, he figures he can keep him asleep. It was nice seeing Josh so peaceful for once. Away from his problems and content. Brendon doesn't understand how anyone, let alone his mother, do such horrible things to him, he was so soft and kind, always happy and helpful. There was no way anyone with a heart could hurt Josh, how could _she_ of all people? He lets out a sigh, because no matter what, he still can't do anything to protect Josh. Sure, Brendon can provide him a safe place, but not for long as he has to go back eventually.   
Brendon only wonders what the boy hadn't told him yet.   
_______

  
Josh ends up waking up at 8:30.

"Baby, wake up," soft hands push at his shoulder, he just shoves his head further into someone's lap. It sure as fuck has been a while he felt this comfortable. Fed, warm and a nice welcoming atmosphere surrounding him.   
"Josh, it's half past eight, I don't want you to get in trouble," Brendon says from above him.   
Oh yeah, he was with Brendon. That explains why feels so nice. What would he do without him.

 ** _Probably kill yourself, if we're being honest here_**.

Josh let's out an audible laugh at that, _how fucking true was that_.   
Brendon looks at him with a puzzled expression, it's then that Josh opens his eyes and look back at him. He sends him a questioning look, and in Josh's state of being half asleep he finds it normal to say, "if it wasn't for you I would've probably killed myself by now."   
Silence falls, and Josh thinks maybe he shouldn't have said that. It must've sounded weird, or bad. The boy looking down on him is speechless.

**_What have you done, Josh, why would you say that out loud?_ **

"Um, it's late. I should, uh, get going." Josh lifts his head from Brendon's lap, but as he attempts to move from the couch hands lock around one of his wrists, pulling him back.

"If you think I'm letting you go out at night alone, you're wrong, princess."   
________

  
They spend half of the time begging his dad to let Brendon have the car to give Josh a ride. Josh watches, amused as Brendon sits on the ground and clings to his dad's leg like a child, "if you don't let me use the car Josh and I are gonna get kidnapped. I'm your son, don't you love me?"   
"Fine, but I swear to god Brendon, if I see anything on the car I will disown you."   
Brendon grins that big, toothy grin of his, "okay!"   
_________

  
"That's for today, bren. I don't think I've felt this great in a while," Josh says. He's met with sad eyes, "don't thank me, I'm just being a friend."

He pulls up in front of Josh's house. When Josh doesn't make a move to get out he says, "thanks for not killing yourself, I guess."   
That brings a smile to Josh's face, because, Jesus Christ, Brendon sounds so sincere.   
He ruffle the boy's hair before getting out of the car.   
"Take care, princess. You can call me anytime if you need anything."   
"Will do."

Josh starts moving towards his house before he looks back and half-shouts as he hears the engine starts, "I love you, Brendon! You're the _best_ ," hint of genuine thankfulness and sarcasm lacing his words.   
Brendon smiles, shouting back, "I love you, too!"

  
______

The moment he enters, he's instantly met with cold, stone eyes, which make chills run down his spine.

 _ **She heard you say that to Brendon, she heard you, she heard you, she heard you, she heard you**_.

The sound of the blood rushing to his ears almost drowns the sound of the screaming in his head, fuck, he messed up.   
"A project you say, Josh?" She's fuming, words spilling like venom. Josh isn't sure if he's supposed to deny it, try to explain that _no, he didn't **love** Brendon , they're childhood friends._ "A project." She takes steps closer to Josh, and he takes several steps back, feeling the cold door come too close to his back, there was running away from this. It's fine, Josh tires to tell himself, he's taken beatings before. Though, he knows homosexuality is a sour spot for his mum, he was seriously concerned she might kill him on the spot.   
But it's fine, right? He wants to die, so it's fine-   
"Does that project involve a dick up your ass? Is that why you were at Brendon's for so long? God," a disgusted expression falls on her face, and her hands fly to his head, gripping the hair in an iron grip, nails digging fan onto skin. "Not only have I raised a failure, but a _faggot_? Oh, God, why." Josh feels burns behind his tightly shut eyes, she sounded almost pained when she said those words. "Look at me," she says, so close to his face he almost can feel hear breath. Before he knows it, the hand tightened on his hair, and the other suddenly made contact with his right cheek. Fuck, it stung. It makes him stumble to the side.  
Now from pain, Josh is forced to open his eyes and he's met with hers. He can feel his hands trembling at his sides, fear travelling through his body, making him almost paralysed. "Is that why you were with Brendon?"   
Josh makes the mistake she's begging him to do and says, "no." She wants him to deny, just so can call him a liar and beat the Fuck out of him. That's it.   
"Don't you dare lie to me, I heard what you said to him," she screams right in his face, making him flinch away. His breathing picks up, "I didn't- no, I didn't mean it like- like that, he's just a-a friend."   
He doesn't know why he said it, it isn't like she'd believe him. In fact, just to show him how much she didn't give a Fuck what he said, she slams his back against the door, the hand in clutching his head is now banging it over, and over, and over to the door. So many, so hard that Josh can feel himself slipping unconscious, body going limp. The pain was _unimaginable_ , almost worse than anything he'd ever felt. It was like his brain was being cracked open and stepped on over and over again. There were probably pathetic noises coming from his mouth. With each slam, he can hear sounds but can't make out what are they. They were probably insults thrown by his mother about how disgusting he was, what a filthy, dirty sinner he was. Not too long before his legs give out, landing him on the harsh floor of the entry. She takes the opportunity to slam her heel-wearing foot to his ribs, Josh knows it was going to be hell of a bruise because of that _goddamned heel._ With a last kick landing on his face, his world flashes white and then nothing.

All the three of his siblings can do is watch and cry from the top of the staircase as their older brother, _hero_ , lay on the ground, unmoving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have kind of a layout for this little hot mess, but knowing me I'd probably change last minute and mess up everything.   
> Um, comment if you enjoyed ig.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm the son of rage and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a filler because I'm having the worst writers block with this one. 
> 
> (Sorry for any mistakes.) 
> 
> Enjoy.

✝️

It was a sunny day in June, the sunlight streaming from the window in rays of gold and white, lighting the room brightly.

Josh was just so fucking blessed that he woke up to hushed noises outside his bedroom door. Still very much asleep, he crawls out of his bed to sit next to the door, accidentally knocking multiple things while attempting to do so. But when he did manage to get to the door, his back to the wall his hear caught the voice of his dad.

"—it is! It's normal at his age!"

Oh, _Jesus_ , they were talking about him again.

Josh tries to get impossibly closer to the door, straining his ears to hear more. "No, it isn't! Have you seen the way he talks to walls? My son's fucking insane!" Her voice is very loud and high, Josh is only wondering when she's going to start screaming at this point.

"He's only nine, he'll grow out of it. All kids have imaginary friends, that's normal," he hears him say, as if he's talking to a child. Trying to convince her, get the information through her thick fucking skull.

_But she never listens._

"Don't you dare back him up." She says, lowering her voice threateningly. Josh can imagine the scene playing behind his eyes. As she says those words, she takes a couple of steps forward, hand reaching up to his dad's face. One of her eyes most likely twitching with anger. Josh doesn't understand, was it because he told her he saw a girl on the walls? Never did he say to anyone he had an imaginary friend, he **_didn't_** have one anyway. Where was all this coming from? Yeah, he told her saw a girl that stand beside any chair that's in his room, and that's only because she asked why he was taking all the chairs out of his room. She asked, why is he taking any blame? Did she seriously think he was insane? Was she serious? She can't be. No way, she can't be.

"The devil's inside of him, I'm telling you. He'll kill one of us eventually, and you'll say I was right," she says, her voice certain, as if leaving no space for debate. "Either find a way to get it out of him, or don't let him anywhere near my fucking kid,, you get it?" Josh can see it behind his eyes, his dad's wide eyes, his mother's face. _All of it_. That's when he hears walking down the stairs and the front door opening then closing violently. Silence erupts, and Josh knows his dad is right outside of his door, but for some reason he can't contain the sob that comes out of him.

Josh wasn't one for crying, but something in him suddenly snaps and his chest hurts really bad. Loud and pathetic, he cries. Hiccups and frantic, unsteady breaths. Josh always joked about his mother not loving him, but fuck, he didn't intend for it to be real. Through the loud screaming of _she doesn't love you, she thinks you're insane_ in his head and his own crying, he hears a knock on the door.

Josh hurries out of the doors way, he sits in the middle of the room. Curled up on himself as he cries his heart out. It must've been a bad sight as his dad bent down with a pained expression on his face. "Hey, baby, it's okay," He says, wrapping his arms around the mess that is Josh. And he doesn't know what to do, because his chest hurts so fucking bad and his throat feels as if it's being ripped apart with every breath he takes so he just clings to his dad, his only source of warmth.

Fuck, not even his own _mother_ wanted him.

The thought made his mind reel. He loved her, what did he do to deserve any of that? Was he really _that_ fucking bad?

"Dear, baby, look at me." His dad's hand lifts his chin, making Josh's flushed, tear streaked face show. "To live and not to breathe is to die in tragedy. Son, don't let her weigh you down. You're not anything she said, you hear me?" As he feels Josh nod against his chest he picks him up, sits on the edge of the bed and balances Josh on his knee. "She always takes it with a heart of stone. You're the son every dad dreams of, and I'm so very proud of you for everything." And that's how the rest of the morning went. Josh crying and crying and his dad telling him  just how much he loved him.

Josh eventually exhausted himself stupid from crying for hours and fell asleep in his dad's embrace. At least he didn't hate josh yet.

✝️

Josh wakes up to a fucking sight. He wakes up to his mother to his father to _lock the fucking door to Jordan's door before Josh wakes up._   

_He thought she wasn't being serious..._

What, was he never allowed to talk to his younger brother ever again? Tears start to well up in his eyes again, but he didn't have enough time as the door opened and all he understood was, "get up, sit on the couch and if I don't find you there with the Bible in your lap I swear to God." As fast as she came she leaves.

 _Bible_?

✝️

Not wanting any trouble, he crawls out of his bed, fear gnawing at his chest and making his heart race. A Bible? Really? He was officially insane enough for the Bible? Fuck, he really is fucking insane. Was it really normal to see figures dance across the walls and girls bumping his bed and shadows with sinister smiles? Boys with long hair and wide eyes and girls with blonde hair and things with long legs and no eyes, none of that was normal? Obviously not, as his mother said so.

His legs shake as he makes his way towards the staircase, his heart beating in his throat and threatening to force it's way out, limbs shake and he has so much on his mind. He fucking loved her so much, why would she do this? As his foot makes contact with the first step, it makes a loud creaking sound.

Yeah, fucking rat him out right there.

Seconds of silence before he hears footsteps coming from the kitchen and shit, shit, shit, shit, she's coming, she's coming, and his pulse is so loud in his ears he almost doesn't hear the footsteps anymore. She comes into view, and they lock eyes. Josh was so fucking close to just breaking down in tears right fucking then and there, but what stops him is her next words, "I told you I wanted you on the couch," she says with the most venom he's ever seen in someone in his nine years of living. And for a few seconds of just staring at each other and him being partly frozen in his place he breaks into a run down the steps and makes his way to the living room, stopping only to catch the Bible from near the TV.

Fuck, this was really happening. He hopes she doesn't get mad because he couldn't wash them before handling the book. He sits there, with the Bible in his lap and he's waiting for something to happen. Josh's eyes dance around the room, from the TV to the tables around to the furniture. He catches the sight of a hand sanitizer. _Hopefully that'll do._ He looks at the entry for the living room, making sure she's not there yet before he quickly stands up and runs across the room to pump a bit of the hand sanitizer on his hands. He sits there anxiously with the Bible back on his lap while rubbing his hands together as fast as possible.

_Where the fuck was she? Did she want him here just to sit alone with the Bible?was that the plan—_

"Open page 15 and read out loud."

Her voice makes him flinch, turning his body to see her standing at the entry for the living room, not bothering to come any closer. She didn't even want to be anywhere near him, shit this is seriously bad—

"You've heard me. Page 15." With a Stern tone, she says. With shaking hands, he flips through pages. Sure, Josh had faith and trusted God with everything he's got, yet reading his words aloud was fucking _humiliating_. He felt embarrassed with every word that left his mouth that he seriously considered just shutting the fuck up and letting her do whatever the fuck she wanted. But was he really that confident ? No, not really. And it goes on and on, page after page and after each word leaves his mouth the urge to just say fuck it increases. He was dealing. That, until his dad came in and stared right at him with confusion. He looked at Josh then his wife then back to Josh again. Josh hoped his dad could sense the pleading for rescue Josh's eyes were trying to send off. It seemed to work - _or it was probably his eyes that were shining with tears that gave it away_ \- as his dad suddenly said, "Josh? Here you were! I was, uh, I was looking for to help me fix the car! Yeah, come over here, boy," his dad's very awkward and very obviously fake statement was announced, and the look on his mother face was not one of content.

"No, Josh's staying here. He can't go out and spread.. whatever he is. For a matter of fact, Josh isn't leaving the house at all this summer. Not until he's cleansed, that is," she says, sounding so sure of her statement. His dad, however, wasn't taking it as nice as he would've usually. "I said he's coming with me. Come on Josh, up," his father seethes, his hands gesturing for him to follow him. Not knowing what to do, he goes to put the Bible away from his lap before his mother flat out shouts, "if you move, I swear to God, Joshua."

"Josh, if you don't come here right now I'll come get you myself." Josh, now not knowing what the fuck to do, just sits on the couch and waits for something to happen. They start shouting and screaming things at each other until his dad yells, "that's it!" And barges into the living room, lifts Josh from his place to rest on his shoulder as gently as possible in his rage state, speeding through the living room to the front door.

His mother screams insults behind them, telling them they're _going to hell_ and how _the devil is living in their heads and hearts,_ but the moment the door closes behind the two his dad lowers him to the ground. Silence replaces the shouting and his dad decides to break it with, "So, that was very fun, wasn't it?"

Josh doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry, so he settles on a weird mix of both.

"Princess, don't cry. She loves you so much, she just doesn't know how to show it. Believe me, sugar."

And all Josh can do is nod even though he knows he's only saying that make him stop crying. _That was sweet of his dad_ , he thinks. His dad reaches to hold his hand, guiding him away from the house and the street. "Hey, how about we get ice cream?" It succeeds in making Josh crack a smile through his tears. "Y-yeah, please."

All Josh could think about during their walk around the town was, 

 _I'm the son of rage and love._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listening to too much Green day if you couldn't tell. 
> 
> So, I wanna talk about something extremely important.  
> Apparently, some people believe women can't be rapists, pedophiles, abusive, etc.  
> That's fucking bullshit. Humans are shit regardless of their gender, sex, etc. And in all honesty, I think women can be worse because they know full well that they can get away with things like rape and sexual assault and abuse.  
> Some people make fun of others when they talk about how their mothers are harsh, or abusive and give a blind eye to it labeling it, "you're just a pussy. Your mother is probably the sweetest woman on Earth and you're just a whiny shit." And if you deal with and abusive, or just a piece of shit of a mom then your problems aren't any fucking less. Fuck whoever tells you you're just being a pussy. They don't know how much psychological damage it does to a person. (Not to mention people make fun of "daddy issues" as if it's a laughing matter. It's fucking sick when I see people going, "oh you wear black so you're emo, do you also have daddy issues?" I understand jokes, I have dark humour myself, but a lot don't say it in a joking manner. Fuck them.) Its traumatic to be unable to move and the person who did that to you is your own mother. The one that's supposed to love you endlessly. It's fucking sick.  
> The point I'm trying to make from all that ranting is if you have "mommy issues" then it isn't a laughing matter. If someone laughs at is, you don't need them in your life. Whether it be a friend, or a relative. Your problems aren't less. You shouldn't give a blind eye to it. It's damaging, whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically.  
> So, yeah. Women are just as shit. If one of your friends comes up to you and tell you their mother is a piece of shit or a woman touched them inappropriately then hear them out. They deserve justice. 
> 
> Please keep this in mind.  
> Have a nice day.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'll get another chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've scrapped this chapter at least seven times, but this is the first attempt. I've just come to the conclusion that i can't write. I don't know what to do with this anymore, I'm not even sure I have time for it.  
> It's very poorly edited, I'm tired as fuck. So sorry if there are any mistakes. 
> 
> Enjoy, I guess.

 

When Josh attempts to open his eyes next, he's met with an empty, dark hallway. It's then he notices he's lying in the floor, -feeling extremely uncomfortable, might he adds- with his body throbbing with pain. His head feels as if it's been split open, which wouldn't be really a surprise since his head is resting in a pool of its own blood. His face is stinging like a motherfucker, his back most likely had a giant bruise from when she pushed him into the doorknob, right leg feels broken. Josh was all sorts of messed up at that moment. His breathing is ragged and rough, every breath in stings like a bitch. There was absolutely no fucking way he's going to school tomorrow- fuck, what time is it?

His phone wasn't on him, it probably fell somewhere when she pushed him. That leaves him one way to know the time. To drag himself into the living room, where a giant clock was hung right in the centre, above the tv. Right, the living room was a few feet away to the right, surely he could do it.  
Except Josh couldn't hold himself up to stand. Such a fucking mess, and why did she do all that? Because she heard Josh say i love you to Brendon. He holds onto the doorknob, shifting all his weight to it to stand. His right leg was a disaster, that was one thing he was sure of, as he couldn't even apply the slightest of pressure on it without hissing out in pain. Breath coming out in pants, he turns to the wall for support. On wobbly legs, Josh walks to the living room. Wincing each time he had to step on his right foot. The clock said it was _12:47_ He was passed out for three hours, how fucking great.  
He slumps onto the couch, head pounding. _**Are you sure you want to keep going?**_ The voice says suddenly. _**Are you sure you can do more of this? Fuck, your head is a mess if you don't know. You need to go to the hospital for that. Listen to me, I only want what's best for you. I am not your enemy. Just do it, and you'll be happy. She won't be able to lay a finger on you if you're dead.**_ And it was completely fucking right. There was only so much he could take. "Do you even have a name, anyway," Josh grumbles, his own voice shooting waves of pain to his head. _**Call me blurryface.**_  
Blurryface? That was a weird name, but Josh didn't have enough time to dwell on it. He was tempted to fall asleep on the couch, much more comfortable than being on the floor for three hours and a half, if he wasn't so occupied trying to figure out how to kill himself. He knew he would be going to hell for it, but he didn't fucking care anymore. He could overdose, he knows where the pills are, but there's a good chance it won't work. Same with slitting his wrists. His father didn't own a gun, so he couldn't just blow his brain out. The only way that would be the end of him, was the bridge. How exactly would he get there if he had so much trouble going to the living room? He had to, though, somehow. Josh knew just exactly how he was so unbelievably selfish for wanting to kill himself, but fuck, he can't do this. She thinks he's gay -he could be, which was even fucking _worse_ \- and if he continues living with her under the same roof as her, he was going to live actual hell. Josh was only sixteen, not even a high school graduate, there no way in hell he would be able to afford to live on his own.

Josh was going to that bridge one way or another. That's how he gets up from the couch, somehow managing to ignore the searing pain shooting up his leg. It's fine, he thought as he ventured the streets, nothing will hurt for long. Every step is so fucking painful, the way his shirt feels wet from blood falling from his head still, but it's the promise of relief that keeps him going. The bridge is a ten minutes walk, it turns out to be a thirty minutes for Josh. _**Keep going, keep going.**_ The bridge is in his sight, now. _**The wait is over.**_ Blurryface almost sounds as relieved as he is the moment he caught the bridge. It's empty, no sight of Tyler Joseph lurking around to ruin his final moments, Josh couldn't be happier. Though, he just realised now, with his hands on the ledge, that he didn't write anything to anyone. As a suicide note. Not that Josh really cared about it, but Brendon really deserved an explanation. He cared about him, and Josh dies on him without a word. What a friend, Josh, what a friend. What a friend indeed.No turning back now, he was going to end it. He will miss Brendon, his three stupid siblings that he loves too much. Josh knows if he died it would open his dad,s eyes and save his tiger three kids. His father wasn't that fucking stupid. At least he hopes so.  
Right leg over the ledge, he bites back a loud curse as his leg makes contact with the metal harshly. "fucking shit."  
Josh pits all the pressure on his bruised wrists to lift the other leg over the ledge, and Josh was seriously wondering if there was a place on his body that wasn't bruised or painful. He lets out a huff of air and looks down. The water is blacker than black, Josh looks up, the sky is, too.  
It was like a romance novel. Alone at a bridge, the moon shining his way as he looked all around. He takes as much details as he can. This might be the last time he sees this place. Now was the time that his lover, saviour, comes and convinces him to come down and how life was worth it and bullshit like that. Except this want a romance novel and he didn't have a lover to get him out of this mess. Josh assumes it would've been nice. To feel love and happiness rather than die miserable and in pain. Maybe Josh was destined a life of hurt, maybe he just wasn't meant to be happy. What a shame. Josh nods, silently agreeing to the words said. Was Josh supposed to remember all the nice things about his life, or just jump?  
Josh decides jumping would be the answer so he holds his breath, sudden fear taking over his mind. _**No, you're doing this, Josh. Don't be scared now.**_  
Right, he was going to do this. Hold loosening on the ledge, feet resting in the small pavement end. He snaps his eyes shut, trying to take as much air as he could to calm himself down, you want this.  
"I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this," he murmurs to himself, feeling his hands loosen more and more each passing second. What makes his hold tighten, pushing him back a few inches was someone saying,

"you don't."

  
Silence erupts, and Josh can feel his eyes brimming with tears. No, not sad tears. More like frustrated, angry tears. Because apparently, Josh wasn't meant to find relief, because this very stupid, annoying, stunning boy keeps interrupting his attempts.  
"Your head looks pretty nasty, what happened?" Tyler's soothing voice cuts the silence, but Josh is too occupied trying to hold the tears him. He wasn't the type to cry, at all, but he was so fucking ready to go before Tyler fucking Joseph decided to change all of his plans.  
" _Leave_ , Tyler." The words said are simple. Josh wants Tyler to leave so he can kill himself in peace. "I don't if know you've seen yourself in the mirror, but you look like you've been seriously beat up. I can't leave you like that."  
"yeah, because that's exactly what happened." Josh says, his voice wavering. "What're you gonna do?"  
Tyler shrugs as he says, "my mom's a nurse. I would recommend you come with me. Your heads still bleeding, you don't want it to get infected, do you?"  
He outright laughs when he says that, "yeah, i don't really care if it got infected because I'm planning on jumping as soon as you Fuck off." His eyes widen, maybe Josh said it too bluntly.  
"I didn't have the chance, so tell Brendon I'm sorry for me," he sighs at the mention of Brendon. At least he had a nice -except for the end, of course- last day. "Buddy, you're not going anywhere. Come down, I'm taking you home to rest."  
"Tyler, leave I want to-"  
"Think of what you'll do to him." Josh doesn't say anything after that. "You skipped one day of school and the poor boy looked like death. Think of Brendon."  
Tyler knew exactly what he was doing. He was guilt tripping Josh. And apparently, it was working because Josh struggles to hop off the ledge. It was just him using Josh's big heart against him, fuck him.  
Josh decides to accept the help Tyler offers him of getting off the ledge, because fuck, he couldn't do it alone.  
"Come to my house, I'll try to fix you up as much as I can."  
Josh says nothing and let's Tyler lead the way. You'll get another chance. Josh heard, disappointment lacing the words. Josh can't help but feel disappointed, too. He should've jumped once he had chance, not think about his life. "I didn't know you were one to get in fights," Tyler says as he wraps his arm around Josh's waste, lifting as much pressure as possible from his leg and supporting him. "I'm not."

  
"How did this happen?"

  
"You're talkative today, aren't you," Josh says, avoiding his question at all costs. See, Josh wasn't one to open up about his personal life to someone this easily, he barely even knows the kid. The boy with a pretty face and crooked teeth and plump lips. "You would be too if I looked like you." Josh sighs. Did he really look that bad? I mean, fuck, he felt fucking bad. The outside matched the inside. Josh hangs his head low, the tears burning his throat. Now that he wasn't dead he had to go back home eventually. He's scared. So, so scared he's rather sleep on benches and under bridges. Josh doesn't think he hated Tyler any more than he did right now. He could've been dead, away from all this bullshit, but this beautiful little piece of shit decided that today wasn't the day for Josh to go. Before he knows it, they're standing in front of a door step. "Sit down on the couch, I'll be back soon."  
Doing as told, Josh slums onto the couch with a small wince. It was comfortable. Comfortable enough for Josh to want to sleep on it for the next three years. He hears hushed conversations from somewhere, but he doesn't focus on it as every fibre of his being throbs with waves and waves of pain.  
After what felt like centuries of torture for Josh, Tyler ends up coming back with a very tired looking lady. A loud gasp bounces across the walls. Josh doesn't blame the lady. There's a half dead kid on her couch, probably bleeding all over her beloved furniture. He almost chuckles at that if the woman didn't rush to his side, worry plastered all over her face. No surprise though. Tyler must do this a lot. Bring dead kids home for his mother to patch up, that is. You'll end up here a lot. Yeah, he will. Hands shake his shoulder as if to wake him up. Josh wasn't asleep so why do that?  
"I need your eyes open, sweetheart. Stay up." He opens his eyes, when did they close? The woman in front of him says as she examines his face with a weird expression. Hurt? Why would she show the least bit of sympathy for him? If his own mother despised the sight of him, what makes another look at him like she's the one in pain instead of him? People come in all shapes and forms, josh thinks. She asks him a series of questions about if he sees spots in his visions or if anything feels cracked or uneven, maybe even tilted. Josh says no to each and every one. At least the good thing is he doesn't have a concussion, no need for a hospital and ridiculous amount of money. Her fingers reach to touch his swollen face. He exhales sharply. "Oh, honey, what happened to you?" Not finding a proper answer, he keeps silent as she dabs his face with a cloth dipped in something that made his face burn like a motherfucker. If Josh had the energy, he would wince as the woman starts patching up the wound on the back of his head. "It's nasty," she mutters to herself. He knows, ma'am, he's been told. He can feel the cloth getting caught briefly on fresh, hard scabs. He wonders how long it takes her to piece back the back of his head, because it felt like hours. He wanted to crash and Brendon's right this moment. To ask Mrs. Urie to hold him like a little kid and sleep next to him. Tell him a bedtime story, sing him a Lullaby, whatever it was that mother usually do. He wanted it. He wanted to sleep comfortable. Warm, loved, nice and cozy. She eventually moves from his head -not before wrapping it tightly with gauze- to his neck. Nothing major there, just a couple of small cuts and bruises. None of them worth any attention. What's worth the attention was his leg and chest at the moment.

As if she caught it she asks, "hey, I'm gonna take your shirt off. That all right by you?" It didn't sound like she was asking. It was like she was commanding but in a nice way. Josh nods anyway, considering this woman was his only hope of probably being able to look presentable in the next month. Josh notices he's been staring at the tv for the last probably couple of hours. Probably not blinking. He must be disturbing. What he also manages to notice is Tyler sitting on the chair that's on the left, eyeing him carefully. Mrs. Joseph ends up cutting his shirt with a pair of scissors, knowing he won't be able to take it off his head. Bless her. He feels hands instantly reaching for his arm, caressing big scabs.

 _Shit_.

Josh didn't think this part. Now she sees the mess that is his left arm of scabs and scars. Fucking great. His eyes find hers, and god how did he manage to make this woman look even more sorrowful? "Oh, no.." Her voice fades, and it makes Josh wonders why she sounds like she cares so much. It's as if he's her own child. He can only imagine how much she loves her own kids if she's so loving to him. God, that stings.  He wanted to be loved for once. Josh averts his eyes from the mother to the son, and he looks just as shocked. Eyes wide, as if his mind is racing with thoughts. Josh wonders why he's so shocked. Tyler, not even a couple of hours ago, found him on the bridge ready to jump off and finish this waste of a life. He will end his miserable self, it's just a matter of finding the right time and place. Her eyes are staring at his chest, the ribs showing, the hips jutting out, the bruises, Fuck he's a complete and utter mess. "Are those self inflicted?" She mentions to the scabs beneath her fingers, and Josh nods. What's the point of lying if they can see? Her hand drops his arm, letting rest on his side. She traces his very obvious ribs. He shakes his head. Because no, Josh didn't starve himself on purpose. He didn't want any of this. The scars, the hunger pains, none of it. He didn't ask for any of it. A confused expression falls on the miss's face. She must've thought he was anorexic, bulimic even. "Were you...not allowed to eat?" Nice wording for starved. Tyler definitely didn't hold her genes. Blunt and harsh, that was Tyler Joseph. But if anything, he chose nice words too. Josh nods, a smile creeping onto his face. She shakes her head in disbelief. Josh silently agrees. Who beats and starves a sixteen year old kid? The likes of his mom, apparently. He hopes there aren't too many of her out there. He truly feels sorry for anyone who has to experience something like that. Josh has to remind himself that bad people need to exist in order for the world to function. Just maybe not as bad as her. He ends up with bandaged torso and a couple of giant bandaids -could you even call them that?- on a couple of big cuts on his upper chest and collarbone.  
Josh thanks god she doesn't take his pants off. After pretty much begging her not to, which happened to be the first few words that he had with the woman.  
She ends up having to ride his jeans up, which was almost the most painful thing he's ever experienced. It was difficult attempting to hold in noise, especially since it's as nasty of a bruise as that one, but him not trying to scare the poor woman away with his loud, colourful mouth he settled with muttering "fuck" and "shit" whenever It got far too much to handle. The miss sees his pain, as it's quite visible Josh would say, and being the angel sent from god she is she tries to convince him to, "just take your pants off, kid. I'm not going to molest you," or "I'm a nurse I've seen so much, you're not even close," but Josh being the stubborn shit that he is stays silent and pulls on his jeans, in a way that's meant to say, "just fucking pull them up, thank you."  
Eventually, the bruise is on full display, after he breaks out in a sweat and is a mess trying to catch his breath. Something felt terribly off about this one though.  
Josh is frowning, trying to understand what this is trying to mean.  
The pain was different when she was touching his injured leg, I mean, yeah it was painful, but there was something else to it.  
He can only describe his racing heart as _panicked_. There's _panic_ with the pain that's surging through his blood and each touch makes it a hundred times fucking worse. But Josh can't just up and say, _"hey I know you're helping me and your son is the only reason I'm alive right now, but could you please not touch my very wounded leg that needs medical attention as it is me causing severe panic at this very moment, yes thank you."_ So he shuts up, holding his eyes shut tightly, and a hand over his mouth, just in case it comes out without his permission.  
It's still hurting, very badly so, but the hands disappear and there's another struggle to slide the pants down. But Josh doesn't say anything, he just patiently waits for it to leave. Mrs. Joseph tells him she's done, and Josh can finally take a full breath.  
She says something about going to the kitchen, but all he notices is her standing up form her position and walking away.  
He turns his head to where he thinks Tyler is, as he's his only familiar thing in this place, and his eyes land on him staring intensely at Josh.  
Tyler seems deep in thought, he has that _resting rabbit face_ as that's the only way Josh can come close to describing his face.  
"You're staring."  
"You were staring first."  
"What... are you thinking about?" Josh asks, and Tyler seems to stare off somewhere else for a second, before returning his gaze, "you."  
Josh almost doesn't really know how to answer, but of course he'd be thinking about him.  
Because he's a stranger that Tyler has brought that he physically (hopefully) fixed, but now he probably doesn't know what to do with him. Josh doesn't blame him, he'd be confused as well.  
"You're staying with me," Tyler says after a while of silence, his tone having the same one Brendon has when absolutely wants something, one where no discussion is going to change a thing. But Josh, being the stubborn Fuck that he is, refuses of course.  
"No, no, call Brendon and he'll take it from here."  
There's an all too familiar feeling of guilt as he thinks of burdening Brendon with his sorry ass, so a part of him is glad when Tyler says, "no. You should stay near mom, you need to change bandages and all that shit. You're not going."  
Josh huffs and let's his head rest on the couch, his breathing heavy.  
The miss comes back with a glass of water, which might've been the best thing that's happened to him so far. It soothed his dry, aching throat and he felt like he could talk without feeling like his throat might rip off.  
The woman stares at him, and so does Tyler. It's only then that Josh can see how different they are.  
Not only personality wise, but features as well. "Sweetheart, uh, ..Joshua?" She looks at Tyler for confirmation, and her focused face disappears as Tyler nods, "you must be tired, how about Tyler shows you the guests room? We'll talk tomorrow."  
Tyler helps him up, and when they reach a door he calls out,  
"He's staying in my room."

Tyler's room was... Interesting. It was small, not too small but small. The walls were covered in the same weird drawing. It was of a dark figure, red eyes, black neck and hands, but before he could see more Tyler guides him in. He had all the right to not want him to see, it was weird. Everything more than likely had a story of its own, and Josh was curious. He wanted to know everything about Tyler, everything surrounding him is weird and mysterious.  
He lets his arm loosen around Josh to let him sit on the bed, "it's around four in the morning now, if you wanted to know. I'll be around when you wake up so don't freak out too much."  
And with that, Tyler is out fi the room but not before putting the lights out.  
He lies on the bed, his eyes glued to the pitch black ceiling. He stares and stares, until he falls asleep, not knowing if his eyes were closed or not.

_**You'll get another chance.** _


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kids are kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update, I know. How weird.  
> I didn't even try to edit it so I'm sorry if it's messy or about mistakes. 
> 
>  
> 
> |-/

"Brendon, I swear if you don't give me the Bible back, I'll tell your mom!"

"If you catch it, I'll give it to you."   
And that's how the eight year olds were running after each other, Josh trying to grab the Bible out of the others hand, which only made Brendon run faster.

Boy, did that kid fucking run.

"Brendon,I'm not kidding, it's a holy book! You can't do this!"   
"I don't care!"  
Josh desperately tries to pry it out of his hand before his mother sees, but Brendon ever so disrespectfully drops it on the gardens ground, letting the mud and leaves cover it. He stares in horror at the sight, the holy book on the ground covered in mud.

Oh God, please forgive him.

"Brendon! This isn't funny, my mom would kill me if she saw," he hiccups, trying to keep tears down. Truly, he didn't care what his mother would do. What he cared about was the book of the Lord carelessly being thrown to the ground, mud probably filled with bird shit in it covering it.   
It's as if somebody stabbed him right in the chest the second the Bible hit the ground. Josh carefully bends down and picks it up, scrunching up his shirt and tries and wipe the dirt off, resulting in his blue shirt to be all messed up, but that wasn't a worry to him.

Brendon notices the small hiccups erupting for the small boy, "oh my God are you actually upset? It's just a book!"   
"Maybe to you, but not to me. It means a lot and it's like you don't care if it does or not," Josh says accusingly, trying to make him feel as guilty as possible. With eyes rimmed red and glistening, lips between his teeth willing himself not to let the tears escape, he continues to wipe the mud off, cleaning it as best as he could. He examines it, flips it back and forth.   
The pages were fine, they weren't hit with the dirt when it fell, the hardcover , not so much. For the most part, it was okay, though he had to make up an excuse for his shirt now.

"Please, if you care about me at all, don't ever do that again."   
"Of course I care about you, don't say it like that,"   
And there it is, the guilt radiating from Brendon, his eyes glued to the ground and his words mumbled.  
"It didn't seem like it," yeah, Josh may have let a little smile slip, but with the other not looking at him it wasn't apparent.

"I'm sorry."  
"It's okay, I forgive you."

And just like that, Brendon's face lights up. A wide smile spread over his stupid face, and his eyes look up to meet his.   
Josh runs to the backyard where he puts the book safely on the table, no way for It to get damaged now.  
"What am I gonna with the shirt now?" Josh asks helplessly, knowing full well he's gonna get lectured for it. There really wasn't a point of asking, it's not like he can fix it, you know?   
"With me you come," and with that, Brendon grabs the others hand tightly in his, urging him to follow him.   
so, he does.

Going into Josh's house, he grew anxious. Why would Brendon make him go where he already mentioned that he's gonna get yelled at?   
"Mom!"   
It never failed to amuse Josh when Brendon called his mother, "mom."   
It made him feel all fuzzy, almost making the air around him lighten and smell like roses. Sweet and welcoming.   
His mother appears from the kitchen, her kitten heels clicking loudly against the shiny, wooden floor.

Her eyes drift from Brendon to him, and then, you guessed it, his shirt.   
"Oh my, what happened to you shirt?" She moves forward to crouch down and examine it more closely.   
Josh looks at Brendon, curious as to what he was going to do. He was the one who planned this, in the first place.

"I accidentally threw mud on him, and he was really sad. Do you think you can fix it?" Brendon, with his big pleading eyes and innocent tone, asks.   
His mom wants to doubt it, but Brendon was an extremely hyper and clumsy kid.   
"How do you accidentally threw mud at someone, Honey?"   
Quite obviously, Brendon hadn't thought this far. He thought sweetness would cut it. Apparently not.   
"Uh, you know.. em, I was playing with him and I had a handful of mud and he thought I was joking, so um, I threw it at him because he didn't take me seriously...?" Brendon seems confused at his own lie, and his mom is no fool, but maybe she decided it wasn't serious enough to fuss over.   
"Right. Josh, go up to your room and change your shirt. Don't put it in the basket though, come down and give it straight to me, alright?"   
She mentions for them to go up, and she walks back to the kitchen, clicking all the way.   
In Josh's room, Josh looks in utter disbelief at Brendon, "did one of your ideas just work?"   
He laughs, "yeah, because I'm smarter than you think.",

And maybe, Brendon was.   
____________

When he wakes up, he frantically sits up.   
Nothing around him was familiar, not one bit. The walls are covered in drawings of some weird, red eyed creature. The curtains covered a big window, one that took half of the wall, making the room dim.   
The bed underneath him was soft, so were the blankets that covered him halfway. The bandages felt like they were over him, looked the same as well. He extends an arm out to reach for his heavily bandaged leg, as if to see what was wrong with it. With applying the smallest of pressure, he sucks in a breath. Fuck, it hurt.   
Was it broken or something?  
But most importantly, where was he? He definitely wasn't in his or Brendon's house, so who could've it been?   
So there he is, sitting on someone's bed pondering. Josh would try to investigate, but with condition, it didn't seem possible. It didn't seem like he was held captive or kidnapped, so he wasn't so freaked out. Still freaked out though, just not as much.  
The thing the takes him out of his thoughts is two knocks on the door before it opens and reveals a very familiar face in this unfamiliar place.   
"Tyler?"   
Josh doesn't think he's ever sounded so confused in his life.   
Tyler stops in his tracks, eyebrows knitted together.  
"Yeah?"   
"I'm in your house?"   
"Don't tell me you don't remember anything like cliché movie scenes?"   
Josh would've tried to politely laugh if he wasn't concentrating so hard on trying to remember the events of the past night.   
There were lots of pictures, but trying to put them together was hard.

"I don't know man, my mom was mad and then.. uh, I met you I think and I ended up here?"   
Tyler steps in and closes the door,sitting on the nearest chair.

  
Confusion, frustration, realisation. That's what his face gives off before he talks again,   
"Your mom was angry? Do you remember why she was angry?"   
Josh zones out, he can vividly remember her screams, as they were very loud and ear piercing. He remembers being at Brendon's a few hours before, and then walking up in the middle of the night on the floor.   
And as the snippets start to connect, he remembers exactly why she was mad.   
"Oh, oh.. uh, yeah, I do,"

His hand, without realising that it is, starts to reach for his back.   
Although she hurt every inch of his body, the pain of having such a deep, nasty bruise on his back was different. It wasn't any more painful than the others, but it sent shivers down his spine remembering it happen.   
"Who did this to you, Josh?" And Tyler is very careful, but he can't help but ask.  
"Um, uh.. my mom?" Josh doesn't really know what to expect now that he confessed. He sighs greatly, a heavy rock making his chest it's home.

Josh lays back on the bed, curing on himself and hugging the sheets closer to him, burying his head under the mess of pillows and blankets. Even if it hurts, he wanted the fabric surrounding him to swallow him.   
"Why would she do that?"   
"It's simple, she hates me," he says, matter of factly. His voice must've been a little muffled, because Tyler asks, "pardon?"   
"Hates me. She hates me," he repeats, pulling his head out of the sheets ever so slightly to say that and then burying his head right back.

"Why- why does she hate you?"

Pushy would be a strong adjective to describe Tyler, harsh even.   
He's trying to find out why was a classmate of his was mysteriously trying to kill himself while looking death in it's self, so no, Tyler wouldn't describe himself as pushy.

Josh stays silent though, and he does so for a while.   
To the point where Tyler can't really tell if he's awake or not.   
So he decides to leave the room, going only to put a glass of water on the nightstand.   
His mother left to work long ago, it being ten in the morning. Yeah, he missed school, but it wasn't for nothing.

Tyler isn't worried, he has to say.   
He was more so intrigued and curious.   
Tyler is realistic, there's no way he'd be sad or upset if the boy killed himself, no not really. He doesn't know him long enough to care, but the moments he seems to catch him close to that point of committing, Tyler knows he doesn't want it.

He knows.

And since he knows things, he tries to do the best of them.   
So, yeah Tyler was concerned when he first saw him on the bridge that night, but he wouldn't have cried if Josh did actually do jump.

Tyler is very much selfish, he tries to protect himself from feeling guilt, he protects himself from getting more problems than he has.   
And he found out that, by protecting himself it seems that he's helping others in way or another, and that's even better for him, Tyler thinks.   
Tyler wouldn't say he lacks empathy, not **entirely**.

He's just selfish.

Tyler is so selfish in fact, he grabs his cellphone and goes in the living room.   
He falls in the chair, dials Pete's number and waits for him to pick up.  
"Hello?"   
"Hi, could you by any chance give me Brendon's number?"   
Pete doesn't speak for a minute before saying, "he's not in good shape right now, I don't think it's a good idea to hang out with him or anything..."

Tyler, hesitantly, says, "I'd imagine. Trust me, just give me his number."   
"Why are you talking like you know what's up with him?" Pete sounded slightly defensive, and it shouldn't have confused Tyler. He wasn't even a friend of theirs, he just knows Pete from Band, and now he's suddenly talking like he knows everything.

But Tyler does, and that's the problem.

A part of him just wants to snap at Pete to give him the goddamn number already, but Tyler is the queen of sucking up. He knows well enough that sweeting up Pete is the way to go, as he's more than likely s fucking hot headed idiot.   
"Because, uh, Josh and stuff, um," he just stumbles on his words like a child, embarrassed and annoyed.   
"Josh?!" Pete all but shouts, probably. It could've sounded more dramatic over the phone, but he highly doubts that. Tyler can hear a faint "hush!"   
"I'm telling you, just give me the number!"   
Before Tyler gets a response the other has already hung up, and not even moments later a text pops up with a number.

Fucking finally.

Tyler gets up and starts pacing back and froth, from the TV to the chimney, the TV , the chimney again and again until he dials Brendon number.

"Uh, hi?"   
"Hi, yeah, Brendon? Its Tyler, would you mind coming to my house after school?"   
"I'm not sure, I have, you know, home work-"   
"No, it's about Josh. He's here," Tyler can only hope it doesn't freak Josh out to wake up to Brendon, and he most certainly hopes he doesn't fuck up.   
"What about Josh?"   
"He's in my house, and I thought you would've wanted to see him,"   
Tyler remembers why doesn't have any friends, it's these dumb fucking situations he gets himself in. Stupid fucking situations and stupid fucking things he says.   
"Oh god, yeah! Why is he in your house?" Brendon so worried, oh so worried. And he almost feels bad for him, it must've been hell to feel so worried for so long.   
"It's a long story, I'll you see after school."

And Tyler hangs up, because there's nothing left to say. He got Josh his best friend and he prays it makes him feel better in some sort of way.   
Tyler quickly texts him his address and throws his phone on the couch.

 ** _So selfish_**.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on something and even though it's no where near done, I'm still so excited about it


	11. Chapter 11

Hey. I'm (sadly) still very much alive. No one probably even remembers this thing exists and honestly I don't blame you. I mean I update once a year or something.   
But I'm here to say that this thing is continuing, and I'm not stopping it or anything.   
I've had the next update sitting somewhere since the last came out (which is November of last year).   
I should upload that sometime soon if I get my shit together, but I dunno.   
I don't know why I'm making this it's not someone's gonna read it but anyway thank you for everyone that read this and I hope you're not too disappointed in me.

**Author's Note:**

> I've got no idea where this is going


End file.
